Many would say it's about the kids learning to be disciplined; but I think it's more about the parent being disciplined in what is actually said, and what remains unsaid.
Why blog now? Because she's playing right in front of me, and the mistakes are all too easy to hear...the challenge is hearing the beauty, and I think that's the key to being a useful coach, rather than a critic. I've been telling the kids in our discussions along the way that cooperating is always more challenging, finding the positive is challenging, and both are worthwhile.
I work hard at applying these ideas internally, because what comes naturally, whether I'm proud of it or not, is hearing the discord (and by the way, that doesn't impress me about myself!). I am being gentle with myself though, because for me, hearing an "off" is so easy to spot--as easy as spotting one soldier marching out of time, or out of line. The challenging thing is to focus on the hundred others who are marching in line, in time...Today, I focused on hearing the skills developing, noticing what was working well, and then it was easy to find something positive to talk about.
Having the bow in a good position makes the music sound better...knowing that helps her focus on where she's playing, and it sounded beautiful, and she looked so happy to be noticed doing something well. I think that's more worthwhile-and I'm going to keep at it... I have seen the difference, and I feel so much better for keeping the critique to myself, and focussing on the development of the 'good stuff-i.e. technique, positive attitude, attending to the notes, attending to the rhythm, etc... For the educators out there, or anyone giving feedback, that's the key difference between judging (i.e. evaluating) and coaching (i.e. providing feedback) to aid in the development of skills.
And now, Middle Man is on the strings, and he's more challenging, because he just wants you to love everything-no matter how it sounds, and he's willing to go to the mat over whether or not a rhythm has been played accurately or not--so the challenge with him is to not even get into it. I have a hard time convincing him that I can hear the difference between an eighth note and a quarter note! I have discovered it's best not to try-it derails all. He's challenged me so greatly-- I have discovered through trial and error upon error that the only way to lead with him is to ask questions-after, and only after- having given him the nod for at least two things done well.
Whatever I hear, I just ask a question...today it was about the rhythm...when we started talking about rhythm, he discovered on his own that the fractional names of the notes were adding up to one--and we wouldn't have gotten there if I'd pointed out that the page said "4 eighths, then a half"!!! And I'll end with the coolest part--he started analyzing his own playing, and was energized about 'nailing' it as it's written on the page. And he's chatting about what he finds challenging, and he's telling me about how it feels like he's breaking a bond between his fingers when he tries to use his fourth finger independently from his pinky....and I like the tone and conversation way better than the past arguments about how the sounds he made differed from the ones indicated on the page...
So today, I am blogging to solidify and reinforce for myself that the kids give more good stuff, dig deeper, think harder, and play more enthusiastically when I give them more good stuff and skip the critique. A friend had a great share online about parents watching their kids perform in sport, and that really, all a kid wants to hear is "I love watching you play". How is that relevant to everything I've just written?? I've used it as a starting point, because I can't just be a fan when I'm being their teaching parent/coach...but this type of start points me in the positive direction of appreciating and asking questions rather than judging and telling...
Cheers and chao...
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