Oh my-this has been quite the day. Perhaps I'll frame it as material for the book... yes, that's it: my son is giving me the gift of developing methods and trying ideas from others for dealing with a child who would like to rule the world, but sadly, at 8 years old, lacks the experience to do so. (I'm not actually writing a parenting/education/ or communication book-but if I was-I'd start with this day!!!!)
Good thing I chose to think about how I would like to parent--or I might have gone 'old school corporal consequences" on him...and he would have reason to be angry with me instead of thinking about what HE did.
He's learning lessons now, at his tender age that a some adults don't really put into practice very well. He was alright yesterday...and half of today, but not really into it. Then, he tried to get out of it via a tantrum-snapped pencils, hollering, "I'm not doing it" "I hate school" etc... etc... etc... But choosing to see that as an avoidance tactic meant that he still has all that work left, and tantrums will not create an exit ramp!!
Putting all that reading and communicating and education 'bout education into practice was like stirring together 8 different books and expert opinions on the matter. It doesn't surprise me though, with all the learning that I've recently undertaken, (meaning that I've recently gone through batches and batches of questionaires and assessments of how I think, and what I do, and what my strengths are etc....) I am a synthesizer...I take information from various disciplines and sources, and I bring it all together, in my own way...I'll see what flavour of parenting soup that makes!
Right now, 2.5 hours later, he's clearly and calming analyzing and realizing (out loud) that he could have, and should have, done it long ago instead of having a tantrum about it. It wasn't as hard as he imagined it was, he should have tried, should have followed his instruction-and it's genuine, I don't believe it's for my benefit. A real epiphany for him, as his tone was such that he was getting it understood as he said it..."Hey, that could have been a lot faster" So we talked very, very briefly (I have come to believe that more action and less talk helps kids process faster and more thoroughly) about him being the one who chooses the attitude he brings to a task, and that truly affects his ability to tackle a job.
He's currently trying to figure out what he's going to do without shoes. He screamed at length about not caring about anything, school being stupid, and him not having to do anything: I chose to close his room to him until he realized what was what. Yes, much of what he does is a power play, but as I wrote earlier, he's not qualified to run his own day-he lacks the experience. But, if I decide to enter the struggle, I have to make sure that it plays out according to reality, and his reality is that he depends on us for his overall well-being, his comfort and the life he enjoys is a daily manifestation of us caring for and providing. It's been stripped back to necessity-temporarily, until he is able to demonstrate that he gets that concept.
Yes, it's about power. Opinion-ing on...parents have power, and they need to use it to set appropriate boundaries for kids (said that before...), to make sure their kids are safe, and that their kids feel secure, knowing that they can count on parents to do what they said they would do, and to understand that their parents are providing (to prevent growing up feeling that their existence entitles them to have what they want, when they want it). I think kids need to know that what they have is a result of someone giving it to them. They haven't yet earned...which brings me to responsibility. Kids need to have responsibilities to manage, in order to contribute to others' benefits (beyond self!), and to prove to themselves that they are capable.
"You chose to appreciate nothing, so work with that for a while"...that was the basic message of today. What am I hoping for? I'm hoping he sees that life doesn't owe him everything his heart desires, that the day won't always go his way, but he *can* go with it and still enjoy himself, that cooperating feels better than being contrary, that he can't treat people badly and expect that they'll cushion him from realities, and that he is the one making the choices-therefore the consequences are his as well.
He certainly kicked it up a notch, but I'm hoping that our intense response registers. After all, I've always told myself (under my breath repeatedly-at times) that "a strong will will serve him well". IF he chooses to use his incredibly strong will for good!!!
To that end, here's my plan: I'm going to continue to insist that he be respectful with us. I'm going to let anything small go, in favour of focusing on what he's doing well (I'm shooting for a 10:1 on positives to negatives). I am putting the "getting more of what you focus on" theory to the test... I will continue to focus -out loud- on appreciating the efforts of others...and I will make sure that I enjoy my family -out loud- as well. I've just had it reaffirmed for myself after reading The Happiness Project: happiness is largely a choice, once the basics are met, and realizing that your basics are met is a key to appreciating life, and being willing to enjoy it. I'm hoping he appreciates his own basics pretty soon.
And I thought starting courses again was going to be challenging! Pffft. Parenting--that's where the challenges are at!
Chao!
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