I saw Chris Rock with Jerry Seinfeld, Louis CK, and Ricky Gervais on "Talking Funny" HBO Comedy Special... and it's popped back to mind because I'm thinking about repatriation. They referred to Chris Rock's bit about women not being able to go down lifestyle. A part of me truly feels like I've gone "down lifestyle"--which I hasten to clarify--I am back, happy with it, etc...and truly pleased to be able to spend time with friends and family again...BUT, I'm really feeling the adjustments now. By "down lifestyle" I mean I'm missing those expat benefits...official and unofficial ones. The unofficial ones include being interesting by default...and things that are interesting simply because I was in a different culture...cultures actually, since we were in national and international circles, in three countries.
I anticipated it being bumpy. I even imagined what some of those bumps might feel like, how I might manage, or how I might help the kids and the "expat spouse" while they experience their own repatriation. I didn't expect to feel like the biggest, yawning version of myself I've ever been.
And true to form, I understand better when I write--this very second, I've just realized another aspect of it...The kids and I have repatriated, but Spouse is on rotation--so it's a bit of a double whammy, we're adjusting as a family to the being back (in a house we've never lived in--so how truly 'back' are we?!). The kids happen to to be in whatever new stage of life they'd be in anyway--it just so happens that it's happening here...meanwhile, we're also adjusting to Dad/Husband being away (using role titles on purpose--you know, for cheek and specificity). As a recently repatriated family, we would, supposedly, be adjusting to our family being back in Canada--but we're not all here are we, so that's an unmet assumption...there's a kink in the chain of events.
Bottom line, once again, we don't quite 'fit the mode' so we're making our own path. All useful...agreed, and we're capable...I *usually* believe...but some days I feel less so, though I know we'll feel stronger for it in many ways. I often wonder though, if we're not just slightly more fragile than we'd like to be at the moment.
As Mary Beauregard, a commentator on expatica.com puts it in this excerpt from the full article "Managing the Shock of Re-Entry":
"But what is the protocol upon their return? Are expats prepared to experience an adjustment which sometimes lasts twice as long as their adjustment to the new culture?
Expats and experts both say no.
For many of these global, nomads re-entry shock is much more significant than their adjustment to the new culture. They were expecting to be ill at ease in a foreign country, but not at all prepared to feel like a foreigner when they return home.
As Robin Pascoe, author of Homeward Bound says: "Re-entry shock is when you feel like you are wearing contact lenses in the wrong eyes. Everything looks almost right".
Dean Foster, a cultural commentator, points out the necessity for the family to participate in a process to demystify their culture shock upon return to the home country. Interestingly, our younger two children have more memories and time spent out of country, and I've often felt they're expected to already know 'stuff' they've never been exposed to... or haven't done in any way they can recollect. Regardless, these ages are all new to them, as they're growing up no matter where we live--so there's a newness to experience that exists apart from the stamps in their passports. Back to Dean Foster's advice, which both applies, and is inapplicable in some senses-with regard to the kids.
"Repatriation training for the entire family is a must, and it needs to involve the HR department at least 6 months prior to the return, so that the company can insure a position for the repats that values their new skills. Repatriation training that helps not just the repat, but the entire family, adjust to the fact that they have all changed significantly while on international assignment, to assess and value those changes, and to see the ways that their home country has changed while they were abroad. This takes training."
My critique of his assertion is that in what he says, there is an ignorance about life from a child's perspective. How much do you recall of your third year of life?! There is no meaningful point of reference for the child who left as a tot. There are too many scenarios for any expert to cover, so I'm really not offended by his lack of acknowledgement that families leave in one state, and return in a different one...but wouldn't he be ever the more clever to have that acknowledged?! I guess I'll have to keep being the parent/culture coach/academic counsel/emotional resource and support for our kids. Clearly, even the experts haven't put it together yet, never mind the HR departments. Foster encourages HR departments to be aware of this; just for clarity, there is no HR guide when you leave with one company and return with another...
It's this kind of thing that spurs me onto independent research of what's relevant for me, for Spouse, and for the kiddos. There's no adjustment pill that will leave me feeling less Etch-A-Sketched. That's dramatic, but feeling irrelevant in this new scenario is just something that has to be gotten through...according to my research and experience. I'll have to be patient with myself. That in and of itself is challenging, as I tend to have far greater patience with others than I do with myself. I need to hurry up and adjust as slowly as is practical and beneficial. Hurrying and urging myself forward with patience--there's a paradox--which means I must be done for now.
I will say that I feel fortunate and more at home when I write it out, and have to thank my friend for the much appreciated coffee yesterday! There are unquestionably, perks to being "back", even if it feels new again.
Cheers and chao.
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