Moments of contentment (aka Thyroid function funk)

Sometimes, they are few and far between, and because of that, the moments that do shine are extra bright.  I've been feeling dark, inside and out.  Not dangerously dark (no hotlines required...) but dull, foggy, and low.  I have friends at a distance dealing with issues that make mine seem indescribably mundane, and, insignificant.  Because of the difference in magnitude, I think I have chosen not to process my own, which leaves more of the same bobbing along in the wake of that decision... I have been waiting and trying to let the feelings be what they are, extending the kindness and patience to myself that I would show a friend, and trusting that I'd process when I was damn well ready, and not until then.

It's working?

Because trying to spread sunshine from a dull spot is an odd effort, I didn't force it.  I waited.  I put my feet in front of each other, and, again, oddly, I had to absorb a lot of brightness before I found I could radiate any of my own.  I was looking for it, and soaking it in as best I could, and finally it happened today.  A moment of contentment that I enjoyed deeply, and a smile that jumped of its own accord.

I've written before, commenting on the works of others, philosophies, people's happiness projects, etc... and been anti-forced happiness; and I guess, more 'pro-real' and 'decide what to focus on'.  I guess that why I'm writing it down now, because I was thinking of it in terms of mood and thought being weather in the skies...everything passes, so enjoy/endure the moment. I know I have it solved when I conclude "paradox".  I think trying to ignore any negative feelings is like standing in a rainstorm trying to think oneself dry.  A person can dry off-- and perhaps appreciate it more for having been soaked?!

With that I'm concluding this rambling post with a nod to giving oneself time to 'bleh' it out?!!  I've been here before, it's mostly physical (dealing with it--seeing a doctor for the hibernation-thyroid, etc...), some of it is coming back, and adjusting, and honestly, getting over the fact that we are relatively stationary for a time.  But this time, instead of trying to force a fix, I tried very hard to weather it instead.  It doesn't mean I'm avoiding, or not dealing with the physical issues; but it does mean that I'm not concerning myself with the fact that I'm not currently buzzing with joy.  I'm letting myself be.  It seems to have done the trick, as I've just been through a reconnection moment.

It's been a relatively regular day...but I was struck with appreciation of the kids, regular appreciation, and deep contentment with noticing that they seem good.  There have been friends, new and old, and I see them growing and stretching as they settle themselves, and I see that they're actively working at making themselves.  That's my cue, I guess... Middle Man worked independently on a project after being a tad grouched over its existence (and he showed responsibility, creativity, and a whole lot of other positive scholarly attributes - refer to three years ago for contrast!!!), and Little Miss decided to write a little research essay, just because she felt like learning more about grizzly bears, and the biggest kid was prepping for a Chem test next week.  Seeing them stretching, learning and growing makes me smile.