No, not that hilarious street scene in "Bridesmaids"--the middle man shooed me away from his writing, because he wanted it to be a surprise, and he excitedly muttered to himself "this is going to be so good!"
WHO?
WHA?
HUH...
So now I'm upstairs, blogging myself silly over it. The plan is working. Shorter, less intense tantrums, less "digging in" from him, I have even seen happy -no, JOYful - expressions upon his face when he's finished something and demonstrated his skill. He did NOT want to write anything yesterday, and said he wouldn't, and took two hours to do the 20 mins of writing that was on the schedule. But he did it!, possibly believing that nothing else would happen for him until he did...because I said as soon as he was done, he could get onto other things. He made himself stay at the table, I led him back to the table, but he chose to stay there.... Today? Different story: sat down (after I called up to remind him it was school time:), little chat, started to freak about having to finish...but was able to hold that off with some encouragement and levity "hold onto your freak for a second" until you hear the whole assignment-then he laughed, and asked with humour "but what if I need my freak later???, and he got to work. Small bites are more easy to start...
I only bring up yesterday because yesterday's flop and recovery laid (and those before!) laid the foundation for today's happier, more successful approach. I have noticed he loves a schedule, and he can get in the groove. Getting in the groove seems a lot easier for him when there's nothing between waking up and the school day but breakfast-yesterday, we started with an outing. MISstep. I'm learning too!!!
I am slowly moving through Daniel Goleman's Social Intelligence - the slowly is what makes this noteworthy. I can safely describe my reading style as "gobbler". This is the second book I have chosen to move through slowly - because I find I'm processing it and seeing it daily, which is more satisfying. I picked it up thinking it would be useful as a base kind of text for the courses I'm in, but ... thanks to being in the Frankfurt Airport bookshop - I'm now in possession of the book that is inspiring a different approach with this kiddo.
I'm finding all the information on neuroscience, how the brain works, etc... but especially the "low/high road" analogy for the systems to be incredibly enlightening. Taking the ideas about automaticity in processing environment into the approach with an intense, strong-willed, and volatile, sometimes "head-down" kid has meant changing a number of things, including the chatter in my head, which now includes "his feelings are his, mine are mine, where's the good?, where's the positive?, what skill did he use that helped him out?', etc...etc...etc...). I feel a little wiped at the conclusion of some days, because I feel I really need to be firing on all cylinders: pulling from "attachment" parenting ideas (relationship comes before everything else), means caring for him first...demonstrating a positive regard for him, digging deep to find something good to say in the midst of an "I'm not doing it-writing is STUPID" moment is challenging-but worth it!
It is easier to do when I think of what's possibly happening in his world- so he doesn't necessarily feel up to the task, feels small, feels like he's not good at the thing, or just plainly doesn't feel like doing it at that time...etc....none of those are good feelings. Remembering this makes it easier to not "pile on" disapproval (because the behaviors to disapprove of are so OBVIOUS!!!). The way out of those feelings for him isn't taking on more negatives, and I can see my role as being one to show him the way out by doing positive things, while at the same time, not allowing the negatives to rule the day. The greatest/biggest/more powerful change has been focusing on what I would like to see more of...and with that, I have been plain with him about what gets to the good feelings, and that 'junky' thoughts (this is stupid, I can't, it's too long, it's too hard) on his part, and trying to squirm out of a task by being rude or obnoxious are not useful-so showing and talking about what does get to the "good stuff" (feeling capable, feeling accomplished, etc...).
So that's that, but none of that would be possible without all the trials we went through that established the boundaries. He has it more sorted now, because the boundaries are real to him, and though he doesn't like it...(understatement.), he is doing a better job of respecting it. When something needs to get done, he believes it-though yesterday, he balked for two hours, he brought himself around. I'm getting more skilled at not giving him an audience for his drama, which I think helps him dig in less...The unavoidability of his tasks (they come before the fun, they can take as long as he chooses, "getting at it means you're done sooner - [big smile-encourage, encourage]") seems to helps him feel more in charge of himself...
So I'm a realist (yet optimistic) which means I know the road is long, and it won't always be lit with sunshine--SO--I pause, process and appreciate-which is the purpose of today's time in here in the blog. I'll be looking for more positive signs, and sharing them when I find them:)
Cheers and Chao!
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