I'm eagerly dreading my classes starting. I am going to have to dig deep these next few weeks with Jeff away so much, the kids things, trying to be a positive Mom instead of the yucky high-stress version of myself. Some days I have a charitable attitude towards Jeff's work, understanding that the benefits go all around the family, and it's one of his contributions to family life...but--I think it's obvious: today isn't one of those. It's going to take a few minutes, some rational thinking, and a whole lot of forcing myself back into the appreciation zone before I can level out on the matter. I'm having one of the "other" kinds of days.
It's been an"other" day since yesterday, when I made everyone's (but my own!) favourite dinner, let everyone know it was ready, and then sat down with Ella to eat--the rest were "playing Starcraft". I was unimpressed. For all that, I could have thrown a loaf of bread and a can of tuna onto the table and saved myself the hour of shopping, and hour of cooking/washing up the kitchen full of dishes everyone left. Did I mention how unimpressed I was? I was unimpressed. On top of it all, it was sanctioned by Dad--are you kidding me? Even though I know that the games are something they look forward to doing together-there was a fairly loud and surly voice in my head that was shouting "are you kidding me???"
In these "other" days I fantasize about chucking the whole thing and buying a 7-11 and living on the cheap. Then, I have to think of all the adventures we can have because of it (when we're in the same time zone!) and how the kids will have more financial freedom when they're grown (hoping they realize/remember who worked like a dog exchanging his freedom for theirs, and who stayed home for them) and we'll hopefully have a close and appreciative family with a wider view of life as the kids grow (unless they decide that it wasn't worth it). I guess they'll be as free to decide how they want to live as we have been. What a responsibility! It's one of those "coin" days...
I'm not sure if I've ever shared my "coin" philosophy...it's basically a willingness to accept that each choice is a coin, with each benefit having a cost, and each cost having a benefit. We have always tried to accept that there are no right or wrong decisions; we've just tried to make the best ones for us. Yes, Jeff has less time at home, but we're giving the kids an experience that will shape their worldview. We've made our choice, so it's now time to get OK with the flipside, and remember that the benefits are quite extraordinary. Our kids know we love them, that they're important, and that the world is a pretty big place, filled with all kinds of options, and that we're in a set of choices we made with them in mind. I think they're ok, and I know that their flexibility and views are much increased.
I knew I'd have to dig deep into this day to attempt rebalance...Hmmm, interesting metaphor...Shovels, digging, holes....Yeah...I'm not quite rebalanced yet...I guess I'll just have to decide which side of the coin I want to focus on for the next while.
OH WELL, I don't ever remember anyone promising that marriage and parenting would be easy--just worth it.
Cheers and chao!
PS-I asked Jeff to read this before I posted it! He wants to add that they beat the guys in the game--for the first time ever-which is why it took so long-- and winning is fun...At least we can still laugh!
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