Junk the Junk

This derives from the discoveries the middle man made today--I'm trying to help him identify thinking that doesn't work well for him, and today he did that.  He had another long refusal yesterday, so today's writing was to learn from that, and give both of us some insights into that refusal...

The assignment this morning (that he balked at) was writing about the difference in how he feels when he finishes a job after a tantrum, compared to how he feels when he finishes it without having had a tantrum.  It took five minutes of major intervention on my part to get him going-- I've taken to explaining why I'm choosing what I'm choosing what I'm choosing.  For example, "I'm willing to stay while you're writing, so if you get started right away, I'll be able to stay.  If you choose to delay, I'll need to leave, because your actions will show me that being here is distracting you.  I'll stay for the good stuff-but I won't stay so you have a person to be disrespectful with, or to argue with, or to grouch at...etc..."  I think it's contributing to some of the positive changes I've noticed, perhaps reinforcing that I'm in charge of myself, and that what I choose depends at times, on how he chooses to treat me...which  he is in charge of-so it might be reinforcing that his own choices can influence what others choose to do as well.  Lots of guesswork on my part...

I was surprised to learn that he felt a bit more super when he finished a job after a tantrum, because he got himself over the "lump".  I guess he enjoys bouncing back???  [Yikes!]  So I asked him what the "lump" was, and he was able to describe a list of negative thoughts that he has at the start of a writing assignment-so we 'lump'ed those together and called them junk, because they didn't actually help him "get at it".  We added "Junk the junk" onto his list of positive work habits...and he said, unprompted, that it was a really good thing to add.  I'll be putting that in the progress category.

I'll follow up with what he's going to think instead of the junk thoughts; every researched recollection about cognitive therapy (in general) suggests that a person needs to first develop mental tools to stop negative thoughts, and then create and replace them with thoughts that are more beneficial.  I have some experience with that myself, having sternly and persistently thought my way out of the anxieties that arise (in my case, it's always followed as part of grieving the deaths of people I care about) when life loudly shouts "you're not in charge!" --when the ordinary seems more dangerous and precious at the same time...I know, that's a serious digression from the topic of helping my kiddo develop the skills he needs to attack his work, instead of retreating--but they're in the same ballpark (if being in charge of one's own thoughts is considered a really big ballpark!).

So back to the practical, he did his work when it was time to do so, and now, he's mostly done, so we have time to bake.  He likes baking, so this should help make the point that when a task is tackled promptly, there's more time for fun!  Zucchini chocolate cake...the big question is with or without gluten--I'm thinking with-so I don't eat it all!

Cheers and chao!